Chapter One

2012-01-26T17:56:00.000-08:00

“Mary, I think it’s time we told him,” I said to the mother of my seventeen-year-old son. She sat across from me, not saying a damn word as she twirled a fork in the half-eaten chicken Alfredo she’d been slowly eating for the last hour. “I want him to be able to meet my partner… if the day comes that I am fortunate enough to have one. I don’t want to hide who I am from him. It’s sad enough he never had a chance to meet Benji.”

“Scott, I don’t know if he’s ready for this. Maybe you could wait until he graduates high school,” she said as she dropped her fork against her plate. Her hazel eyes lifted from the pile of pasta. The low restaurant lighting made her brown curls look like ribbons of chocolate and caramel. It made her skin look so soft and youthful. She was still so very beautiful to me.

And I could almost see my handsome son sitting there, having this conversation with me. He looked so much like his mother it was uncanny. Thank God I still loved that woman. I just couldn’t be with her. I didn’t work that way. Because of the family, I’d pretended for five years to be a straight man. I’d even lived in the house with Mary and my son, Jacob, until he was eleven years old. It had become too much. I was too lonely. I needed a release, an outlet where I could be the man God made me.

Then one night, with the advice of a good friend, I decided to go out dancing. She’d said there was this great new club between downtown and midtown, that her friend Benji had taken her to a few weekends ago and I just had to check the place out. I didn’t know she was hauling me out to a gay club.

But that’s when I met the beautiful Benji. I fell in love, and I knew it was time to move on. I knew I needed to get my own place and start living my true life. I still loved my son. I still saw my child every weekend. I just couldn’t be the man I wanted to be while I lived in Mary’s home. Honestly, how would I explain to my eleven-year-old son that daddy liked other men?

I couldn’t. Nothing in my mind could rationalize telling Jacob that his father was gay. He was too young and he didn’t need to know. But now, now that he was well on his way to being an adult, I wanted him to know.

“Mary, I don’t want him to find out by accident,” I finally said. “I don’t want him to think I’ve been lying to him all his life.”

“I know, Scott. Will you give me time to think about it, please? Let me think things through and we’ll discuss it, okay?”

“Fine. Whatever,” I said as I snatched the bill from the table.

I fished my wallet from my pocket and as I dug through the folded leather for a credit card, I couldn’t help but notice how wrinkled my hands seemed to be now. It hit me then that I wasn’t getting any younger. Thankfully, I hadn’t let myself go. I went to the gym. I ate well. I took care of my body. It’s hard for a man nearing forty to find another man in today’s world, what with the Abercrombie and Fitch models littering the clubs.

“I have to go. I have meetings all day tomorrow. Tell Jacob I’ll pick him up after soccer practice Friday.” I stood from the booth, leaned down and kissed Mary’s forehead and said, “I love you. Give Jacob my love too, please.”

She nodded, said she loved me too. We truly did love each other, had since the day we’d met in tenth grade. When I came out to her after being married for five years, she’d said she wasn’t surprised, that something seemed… “wrong, for lack of a better word.” Jacob had been three years old and it’d just seemed like staying together was the best thing for him. Like I said, it was easy at first because I only thought about my family, but then I got hungry. I wanted to fall in love. I wanted the big romance with the man of my dreams. I wanted to make love and be free, and I thought I was being selfish. I thought that made me a bad father, until I’d met my very best friend in the entire world.

Charles had been through the same thing, only he stayed married and never said a word about his preference in sexual partners. His kids were ten and thirteen, and for the last four years, he’d been using a dating site and meeting men for dinner or at the club. I hated that Charles hadn’t told his wife about his feelings, but it wasn’t my business. The way he lived his life was all his. I could only be the supportive friend.

I drove back to my midtown apartment, replaying the conversation with Mary over and over again. It made me a little upset that she didn’t want me coming out to Jacob. I felt like my son had a right to know. Honestly, what would happen once he started to drive, when he could just show up whenever he wanted? What if I had a man in the house and we were… cozy? Would it not be more damaging for him to find out that his father was gay that way?

I was disappointed. I’d hoped my sensitive, accepting Mary would’ve understood or at least seen things my way, but she let me down. For the first time in all the years I’d known her, Mary disappointed me.

Allison Cassatta - Male on Male Romance

Chapter One